Outside Busybodies

We have been working hard. The past five years we have lived here we have done little with the place. In fact, it has fallen apart more than it has improved. It looked so nice when we moved in. Now there are things that need to be done by the list-full but we are working our way slowly. Living in a modular park is something I am truly thankful for because we are in the thick of humanity and I love having the opportunity to share with people. It has had it's challenges because we REALLY know people and have had many opportunities to turn to Christ for strength to love in the midst of opposition.

The problem is that not everyone keeps it pretty and we don't have much of a view ANYWHERE. There is the spot out my bedroom window where I can see the green lovely hills if I look above the roof tops and carports.

The deck is nearly all peeled off and we took the border boards off nearly a year ago as they were falling off and I don't want to put money into this deck. Someday, we want a deck twice as big with a roof. So, we lined the deck with pots and have flowers and

tomatoes growing as a bit of a border.

Here is what we have been up to though:

The Border

This may look simple to you...IT WAS NOT! Our Fruitless Mulberry tree is a few feet away and the grass use to go right up to the house. All we had out there was the rose bush and the jasmine. I've wanted to make this area for years. The challenge is the these trees have wicked roots and they are high on the surface. It took us all day just to dig a place for this border. The further we got away from the tree, the faster it went. Rick had to get down in the ground and clip the heck out of the roots. We knew it would be worth it but boy, was it tough. I had bought the border on clearance last year and finally, it is in.

Using What-cha Got

We disassembled a book shelf we had had in the house for a few years when we did the flooring. It was made of pretty stones and boards but we did not want the floor to get scratched with these. I made them in to a fo-wall on the front. Caedmon helped me pick out a few dollar tree accessories for topping it.

The pole for the birdhouse (which I intend to shorten a bit, and may sand it to the old wood so it does not melt into the house color) is from our old deck pieces.

My neighbor had this shabby bird feeder hanging unused for years and years and years. I finally asked her if I could use it and she was thrilled it would get used.
Emma added the swing on her own one day and there it has stayed. I may get a real one to replace it soon. Preferably a rope and plank one. I like the old natural look. We gathered all the rocks we had around from what was left when we bought the place, and made a bordered flower garden around the tree.

I really wanted a birdbath (I'm on a bird loving kick). I priced them and just about died! I googled how to make your own and loved how easy this idea was. I found the biggest pot at the thrift store for two bucks which saved me the most. The two other pots cost about 8 total. I all ready had the blue stones for inside and we we thrilled there were birds at the dollar tree too! I love it. I'll talk about the birdhouse in a second.

Never underestimate the power of a simple Terracotta pot with a flower either, I love that too.

The flowers are just getting ready to burst in bloom from their initial planting. Soon there will be color full daisy's and petunias there.

In gathering ideas for Creative SAHM, I found this idea for old wine bottles. My jasmine needed more water so I plunked one in there. I have a prettier Italian bottle Rick is going to dig out for me to replace this one.

The Heart

My dad made us this birdhouse with Scott years ago. It was painted to match the house we were renting. He made one for my mom that matched their house. Unfortunately mine broke a bit before he passed away. I decided I didn't want to fix it because I did not want to mess with what he made. I came up with the idea to have flowers pouring out of it. I also have sweet pea seeds in there that I'm hoping will pop out soon.
This is also one of my favorite things. I've had this mini wagon since the girls were babies. It use to be at my mom's house. I've wanted to put it in landscaping for years. I love the uniformity of the same pansies in it.

The little boy is VERY SPECIAL. It is from the old barn at my grandparents house in Indiana. The property was very old and had a slave quarters on it. This little black boy may have been made by them, it's that old. He is made out of concrete type mix and painted in little blue bibs, a white shirt and a red hat. He is so old that most of the paint has worn off. He spent nearly 30 years at least hanging by the neck in the dairy barn. That is why his neck is cracked. He was used as a door weight to keep the cows from getting out if the door was left open to the barn. I met him when I was about five years old and was enthralled with him. I would open and shut the door to watch him swing (I did not really get that he was hanging by his neck, to me he looked like he was having fun:). Years later I it made more sense to me why my grandpa had used him. Unfortunately back there they still use the N word and had a lack of respect for blacks.

When my grandparents were brought out here to be cared for, things were sold off or trashed back at their place. I figured no one wanted this little boy. Then, dad got sick and he asked me if there was anything from there I would want before the place was sold. He seemed to think I was silly to just want this little concrete boy. He commented that it would be expensive to ship and I really thought he never thought of it again. Nope, he had a friend fetch him and send him out to me.

It is one of my favorite things and I'm so happy he has a better life now. His little paint job is nearly gone but I love him.

In The Yard

I had wanted to stain the play structure to match the fence but Emma has an artistic side and beat me to it. I decided her graffiti was cute and she can get her juices out on that old thing. Not so sure painting the inside of the canvas top was a good idea. I did not see that till I saw this pic.
The edge of the deck is my seedling potting station (real one from scrap coming soon...be looking for more on that). Here is one of our sugar baby watermelon seedlings.
Sorry about the shadows in a lot of these pics btw. Here is our fig tree! We have wanted one for years and are so excited to have one now. Figs do so well here in this climate. We used the bottom of the pot for some flowers too. Those stepping stones are going for a walk way in the front soon. More root cutting for that, we are putting it off for some reason :*

Using our junk and scraps meant realizing that we could turn this old shelf we have had for 12 years on it's side and plant an herb garden in the shade of the oak tree. So that will go in soon. I will be putting two cinder blocks in front of it on it's side for another layer of herbs there. The shade will protect them in our 100+ summer weather.

Rick did a great job on taking the old steps and making a planter box for me. It all ready had brackets in it and we just used those to hold it together. It's a shabby match to the house too without trying:) We have planted lettuce, salad mix, and arugula here. I can't wait!
The Carport

Some dollar pots and soon these will add some lovely on the other side of the house.
Plans are to put up some white lattice on the back panel and a few large potted citrus. We use this area as a patio in the summer because it's cool. We have our grill out there as well.

The Garden
Saw some stones under the dirt and weeds but did not realize they went this far. Dug it all out and we had a small stone path to the garden! Later on, we will probably add to it.
No one planted these pumpkins. We just throw the kids rotten jack-o-lanterns out and this year they are taking off. We will space them soon.
Green beans and green sugar peas. Caedmon and Victoria love eating these off the vine. It will be great.
We used extra stones we had to make a stepping path for easy watering. I'm watering the garden by hand this year. It also makes it easier to weed.

Reflecting

You know, I don't live in a pretty house. I don't have property or a view, but I'm so thankful. I reflect often on this. Making beauty from what you have, where you are is key. It's like that saying I love from Jim Elliot "Wherever you are, be all there."

This time last year I was so sick. I had just had surgery and I could hardly get through the day depending on my hormones wacking out on me 24/7. I was just trying to survive. It has made me so thankful to be up and doing this spring. The flowers are so much more lovely to me, the birds sing louder, the dirt feels good on my hands. It may be a small piece of heaven, but I love it.

On that note, if you know someone sick this spring. Take them some nature beauty. It may really make their day.

On My Bio-Dad, Forgiveness, Grief and Hope

I'll admit, I'm highly emotional this morning. I was not sure I could even post this because I knew I'd feel tears welling when I started. Yep. Still, this is one of those writing for therapy moments. I also hesitate because it was this topic that led some readers to call my mom years ago and leave messages on her phone that upset her a lot. So, if you are reading and you know my mom, don't call her dang-it. She is welcome to read this. This is my life and my story now and she does NOT need to be bugged with it. It's no secret that Mark was not my bio-dad and if you thought it was, you are wrong so forgive my rebellions teen-like moment to warn some to mind their own.

That being said, I also hesitate because I know it's hard for my mom for me to talk about this. She sees this whole topic very differently than I do and I did not live through the pain she did so I don't judge her but I also feel that I had no choice in how my story started and I won't lie about what it is from that point on. I don't believe in hiding things. I've chosen not to hide it from my kids, and I firmly believe that God's sovereign plan in our lives cannot be told without the whole story. There are many who have been through tough stuff in their lives who don't agree with this. I admit, I've never made some of those big painful decisions so I cannot judge them for feeling convicted about that. I don't however. This is my story, not anyone else. You cannot have the same outcome in anyone else's life with situations because the factors vary so much that each set of them will have a different product. I give this topic the freedom it therefore demands.

Also before I go on, I had one Father and that was Mark. He loved me with his life and he was used by God to save us all from a lot of pain. He holds that place in my heart and affections that cannot be replaced, but this is not about replacing and when it's seen that way, it's observed incorrectly. Some of you know my story more than others but I don't have time to go into all of it here today so I apologize if some of this does not make sense.

So, I'm emotional because I had a dream about my bio-dad last night. Honestly, I've had my emotions about him in a box for four years. He got very ill and passed away suddenly while my Father, Mark was passing away with cancer. When I found out he died, I literally had no emotional response. There was nothing left in me. It was not because I held things against him, in fact the opposite was true. I had spent the last few years getting to know him over the phone, patching things up, getting to know each other and having some conversations that are very precious to me now. I had no response because I was completely emotionally drained. My Father Mark was down to skin and bones and our every extra focus in the day was focused on absorbing the time and dealing with the anxiety of mystery knowing the end was near but not sure exactly how near it was. There was the emotional drain of watching a busy healthy man, husband, father and Papa loose all energy, function and vitality.

I wanted to be frustrated that I had no emotion hearing he had died (my bio-dad...I realize this could get confusing). I waited for frustration to flood through me and even that emotional reaction would not hit me. I wanted it to, I wanted to be mad if I could not cry. I wanted SOMETHING to help me grieve. I was completely and utterly numb by then. It took everything in me to adjust to Mark being dead and how it effected those around me. I don't think I even dealt with how it effected me until about two years later. It certainly showed up in my physical health when I started having panic attacks for no reason. My hormones were way of and I had developed an ovarian cyst that had to be removed. That was this time last year exactly. I could have had no way of knowing how what was going on would effect my body. Needless to say, with all this I've not been able to think much or process much about my bio-dad. I've not had the courage to open that emotional box. I've kept it closed out of survival instinct.

The fact is, there is so much good to be thankful for and be reflected upon. Forgiveness was what drove me to contact him in the first place. Now, one can certainly forgive and still keep distance (which is what my parents would have preferred I'd done and they made it very clear they not only did not support my decisions on this but were greatly hurt and insulted by it) but I felt it would only be fear and pride that would motivate me to keep this man in a prison of regret unless I could set him free from it by reaching out. We talked a lot about God, death, life and forgiveness. We talked about small things too and I found that my sense of humor which had always seemed out of place in my family, had come from some biological roots. That really encouraged me because it was like finding a missing part of myself. One of the huge moments was when we talked about his dad and how hard their relationship was. He called me the next day and thanked me because he had been able to pray about it and forgave his dad for the first time. I cannot believe that this was not part of God's plan for us both. As much as it saddened me to go against my parents, Rick and I both were sure we were supposed to do this. We did not have to fear man, we wanted to heal and I was healed too in the process. The plan was to someday meet (since I'd not seen him since I was about 3 years old and did not remember him much at all and in fact, my mom never showed me even a picture of him so I had no idea what he even looked like) once we worked through some things. That was never in God's plan but that is okay with me now. I think it would have been very hard to start that much over again. Out of this time I am now in contact with my Aunt whom I love being in contact with very much and some of her family who have been so friendly to me which is a treasure for me as well.

The emotions brought up by the dream made me realize I may be strong enough to grieve over his loss now. When I say grieve I mean that I have an actual process I've known for years I would need to go through to do this. While he was alive, and in those last few years (I made contact for good about two years before he died which amazes me too that God knew that) I had sent him a list of questions I wanted answered. We both answered these questions for each other. There was so much getting to know you that we had never done. He chose to answer them by recording his answers on a small mini recorder for me. Many times in answering the questions he would go off on rabbit trials of a lot more as well. I have all of that recorded. I've needed to listen to it all again, that is how I need to process this. I tried about two years ago to turn the recording on and I only made it a few seconds before a flood of tears came and a twist in my heart that hurt so bad, I knew I was not ready.

I truly am amazed at God's love in having them pass all within a few months of each other. The reason I say that is because it eased my grief for my bio-dad. It may have emotionally confused me to have my Father here healthy and in my life and try to grieve for someone I hardly knew but yet had a boat-load of emotions about. IT allowed me to fully grieve for the man who had raised me and eased another grief that I could hardly process at all. By being fully focused on another pain, I was able to be guarded from a lot of this other pain. Now, it has settled more in me that he is gone. I don't have to grieve and reflect in a state of shock, I get to do so in a reflective though emotional frame of mind and at a pace I choose and can handle.

I think I'm ready to turn that recorder on. I know I will cry (shoot, I'm crying now) but I'm ready.

You know what gives me the most joy!? Hope. Hope that has come through Christ. My Father Mark and bio-dad are now in heaven. My bio-dad was an infant Christian but a sincerely repentant man before God. He may not have had his theology all together (though we had some good talks about that which helped I think), and he may have had a lot of worldly baggage that fogged up much of his heart still, but I believe that just as the thief on the cross, he had a true moment of repentance and coming before the Savior. He may not be put in charge of much in Heaven, but he will be there. Their emotions about each other were very different here on earth. My bio-dad was very grateful for Mark and told me so many times. I know if he could have met him, he would have told him himself. My dad however, did not trust him at all and did not like talking about him. I'm sure he had a fear that this man would come back into my life and make waves let alone interrupt his relationship with his grand kids. I understand that. Now however, perfected in the presence of Christ our cleansing savior, they worship the Heavenly Father together. There is no more fear in my dad Mark, no more sin in either of them. They have been able to see the full loving plan of God for us in all our lives and they understand now. They hold nothing against each other but both look forward to our appearance someday. I told my dad Mark, when he was in the hospital with sepsis and we thought we were going to loose him that he was who I would run to on that day first. I meant that. I said it in tears and he cried too. I wanted him to know he had that place in my heart. I will be looking for another greeting also and in Christ's perspective perfecting ours, it won't matter to anyone anymore that I do that.

Thank you Lord for that and so many other things. I will cry these tears with gratitude, full and overwhelming.

This is life, this is what it's all about. Don't run, embrace, and grow.