Faith and Her Sister Suffering

What is faith?

I woke up with these thoughts just pouring into my mind like someone watering my soul (thanks Lord..love how you give to your children even in their sleep:). Sometimes, the simplicity comes back to me and I love it.

We talk about faith a lot, we throw the word around like we do the word love. I don't think we understand what they really mean.

Someone wise told me a few years ago when I was feeling God call me to take my kids, who were being homeschooled, and put them in public school. She told me that God does whatever grows our faith. His goal is to grow our faith in him.

Well, if God just came down and showed himself to me now, would I have faith in Him? No, why?

Heb 11:1

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Heb 11:17

By faith Noah, being warned by God about things not yet seen, in reverence prepared an ark for the salvation of his household, by which he condemned the world, and became an heir of the righteousness which is according to faith.

Yet He tells me:

Heb 11:6

And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.

So, without my having faith, I cannot please God. Basically it's related to what I talked about in my vlog yesterday as well. We are part of a story for God's glory, he is wooing us back to himself. He has not made us to robotically love him, our faith is the "magic" that allows us to love him in a situation where we logically should not or we cannot see tangibly or hear audibly.

People say they have faith, or that they lost faith. Well, what they have or had may just be a nice little rundown of what they think or thought. Or they may have truly made that leap to believe in Him.

That faith is kinda easy though don't you think. "There is a big spirit up in the sky that loves you and has your best interest at heart. He watches you when you sleep, does things good for you and protects you." Sounds as easy as believing in Santa if you ask me. A lot of people come to God on these terms. Sometimes it's not their fault, their childhood is pumped with one sided messages about God.

THEN...life hits.

THEN comes the bad stuff. Some Christians refuse to go there at all, they may stretch to some middle ground where tough stuff happens and they start spewing "it's okay, I'm all good, God is working all things together for the good of those who love Him." They are right but many times they have not had something really really hard happen to them.

They have not had a child die.

A parent die in a state of no faith.

A spouse take away suddenly.

An illness where they cannot function as they use to.

Complete and utter loneliness.

They have not been abused or demoralized.

So, along comes pain....

At this point their faith is tested. Their original faith in God is put to question. Here is where a proper understanding of God and his purposes is crucial. In a day of trial or testing, they will support us through this and allow us to bend a knee and worship in the middle honestly looking at God for who he is FULLY.

See, I believe, as Randy Alcorn concludes in his book "If God Is Good" that pain and suffering have a very specific purpose in the story of God. He did not start out right, fail and then have to correct course. He did not fail at all. He intended for things to go as they did for one very important reason.

God could have kept things all good. He could have chose to make that the plan. We would hardly have had a choice toward his goodness then. You know? I mean really, what's not to like? He is good, he brings us good, we live in good...all things are hunky-dory...except we don't fully understand Him.

For, by God allowing suffering he allows us to for one time in eternity, see a small glimpse of the opposite of Him. Suffering, death, selfishness, immorality, pain..all of these are the opposite of God's character of goodness but how could that goodness shine bright to us if we did not see the darkness for a while? People ask how we can love a cruel God. I ask how you cannot love that plan of wanting us to see Him fully. If we come to him in pain, in a suffering world, we have true faith. This is loving suffering, but I don't think we can see it if we don't come okay with his plan. If we come angry and rebellious and thinking we know more or better, we won't see.

That person remains in suffering forever. Not just eternally, but now. They are miserable. If they truly think and reach out to see who God is, which does mean seeing his side that we disagree with that I mention here on my old blog, and come to him (which takes humility as all the scripture states) their suffering will have purpose. It will be the catalyst of their faith. Their faith will be refined over and over and over. They will enter eternity knowing more about their God than they would have had he not allowed them to experience suffering. They will rejoice and their reward will be so much sweeter, their eternity more full in the full knowledge of who God is.

If they do not, they suffer here, and for eternity, and I hurt for them.

Let us not forget that God suffered too. He did not just decide that we should suffer, he decided that he would too. In fact, I believe he suffered more than we ever will. He chose the worst time in human history to come and die. He died a death not many men will have to know so his physical pain was at probably the worst it could have been, and he chose that. Yet more than this...he descended and broke fellowship with his Father for us. Knowing that He and the Father are one, could we not even say he broke himself wide open for us? It's too much to understand. We cannot imagine the pain of almighty God breaking loving fellowship with His Son because we do not have the capacity to understand love like that, perfect completion like that and how it was broken for even a moment. Though it was only for a time, he did choose it.

So, when you really break it all down, God choose to suffer so we could see Him for who he really is. That IS LOVE. That is not a cruel God who should be screamed at in our anger and selfish discontent.

I also really think understanding Heaven, our reward, helps strengthen us as we suffer here. If you look forward to singing hymns all day, then yes, I can understand why you don't want any of this. Reading Heaven, by Randy Alcorn changed my walk with God.

I just feel it's appropriate to end these thoughts today with Paul's words. Even what Paul suffered is more than I ever will. He did what I want to do, come face to face in my heart with the God who gives and takes away and bow to call Him holy. Not out of blind stupid submission, but out of an understanding of his righteous motivations of love I cannot comprehend.

Romans 8:18

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

wow...."Save the Date!" "Mark Your Calendars!"...really??

Is that how glory comes down? "save the date!" or "mark your calendar!" ?

I'm just up a little sleepless...

reading this. wow.

"... the Holy Spirit

has abandoned all churches, those still

following any church on May 21, 2011 are

not saved. Nevertheless churches teach

their members that:

1. They as confessing members of their

church are safely in Christ’s care.

2. No man can know the day or hour of

Christ’s return. Therefore, they are certain

that Christ will come as a thief in the night.

These dear people do not realize at all

that they, themselves, are in spiritual

nighttime, a condition that guarantees that

when Christ comes they, themselves, will

be destroyed in the Day of Judgment. How

awful! It is the true believers who know

the time (the hour) and much about

Judgment Day (the day). They are not in

the nighttime of spiritual darkness."

I am no bible scholar, but I hear fear in these words.

Oh, how the enemy loves to shame the people of God. For this is indeed embarrassing. I know we will all get knocked for it unfairly. I don't blame them. Though they don't realize we are not all in this boat.

I read the whole article and the logic jumps from verse to verse where he wants it to go with no congruent study. Claims that the tribulation started in 1988 and that the Holy Spirit left the churches then.

I can testify to that not being true. I said in my vlog that Christians don't have joy and love. I should have clarified that many don't. I'm blessed to be surround by many who do. Our church is a living testimony of the grace and truth of Christ. The Holy Spirit at work. No human efforts can conjure up this kind of care for each other, forgiving each other, striving together, seeking God's glory, loving and upholding one another. I know there are other churches who have this character of Christ as well, alive and serving each other.

There are many false gospels springing up, even among the churches, but for him to claim the Holy Spirit has left the church goes against my experienced testimony of what I've seen myself.

The enemy loves when we scatter in fear. He loves to see us responding like crazy people, shaming the name of Christ and the child-like simplicity of the gospel.

Like I said, I'm no scholar, but I'm starting to think that when men study too much with the wrong motives know less. It can be tempting to study the word for figuring it out the best, being the one who's "got it" backwards and forwards. Yet, if the word is not living moving and active in your heart, filling your soul with Joy for God's truths, his amazing love for his people, His longing to be reconciled with his creation, it's not getting us very far at all.

I look to the testimony I've seen to disprove this and I look to the character of God who would not allow one man to have this glory of being "right".

The discussion however, will be interesting.

Let us by no means fall asleep, we should probably mark on every day of our calendar "the day of his coming?" Remember, and pressing on free of fear, motivated by truth and love.

I have this verse written in wipe-y marker on our dining room window. Have for a while now. I love this verse:

And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming. John 2:28

Random Coffee Talk: Our View of God

Thanks for watching, now listen to this. ALL of it, it's great and entertaining. These are the types of things we need to be hearing. "A slave to what is right"...so good.




..and on that..
Does this mean that we don't sin? No, it means that we do not continue in sin. We are not able...praise God. We are convicted and forgiven, and continually in freedom.

An Unexpected Encouragement

I'm going through a heavy time right now. God has challenged me with a mission I don't want to take on, a trial I don't want to pass through. I can't see my path out the other end yet and I certainly don't know what waits for me on the other side of it.

So, my head is heavy today. Decided to drive into town for crickets and sandwich bags. Mom's do those weird errands you know. Mostly needed to drive and think.

I listened to my Sara Bareilles cd Rick got me. She is not a christian artist but I found this song to be such a love song to Jesus for me. Only one word changed in my heart. Where she sings "babe" my heart sang "lord" and it has really helped me today.

To God Or Not To God

Randomness from my brain today....

- I like that they have the today show on at the dentist office now. Anne Curry interviewed a mom who lost her son and they have made a movie of her story. Anne asks her "Where you angry at God?"

This surprised me. I find it interesting that it's very normal and okay to ask this question but not one like "Where you able to trust God through this time?" or "Did you turn to God for strength in your sorrow?"

What it must be like to be God and be mostly acknowledged for being God when people are angry at you. Think about it. It's the most frequent time we acknowledge His existence but more importantly the FACT that we KNOW He is in control. When his control brings good, we slide along and try not to mention him but when it's bad we acknowledge it's His fault.

I've been through a deep sorrow. It's normal to cry out to God in your heart "No!!! Please don't let this happen!" or "I don't want this!!!". But the moment that thing DOES happen I really truly have never felt anger toward God for His choices. I have felt deeply sad, and I've disagreed with Him, but never hated him for things.

I just find it strange that we don't really want to notice him publicly (and especially insinuate his authority) unless their is tragedy and we need to vent.

-Lady Gaga's new song "I Was Born This Way" is a boatload of moral discussion. I just have had one aspect of it on my mind today though. She talks about how God does not make mistakes. Her purpose in saying this is in defense of homosexual lifestyle.

Well...does God make mistakes or doesn't HE!!??

We say no when it works for us and yes when it doesn't an dare justified in our rejection of Him. Oh, we are so fickle.

If you truly believe that God makes no mistakes (and yes I do but Gaga does not in reality and I'll tell you why in a moment) then you have no reason ever turn from Him.

See, God does not make mistakes, people do. The whole point of saying we were born this way is to avoid saying we make choices.

Lot's of things are innate in us or "born in us". I heard a man speaking on Focus on the Family recently about this and how it related to this homosexual mindset. He pointed out that he was born to want to have sex with every attractive woman he sees, but that he is not justified in this because of his bent. We are born many ways, of which I could go on and on, that we would not choose to act upon. Therefore in case of argument, this reasoning does not fly. I'm just sayin.

Gaga does not really believe that God makes no mistakes because His word says that he made man to be with woman. She believes contrary to God and therefore, God is mistaken.

These random trails led me to more thoughts.....

-People reject the truth of the bible when they acknowledge God's existence and even sovereignty. How is this? They say that the bible was written by men and therefore is not valid. Now, we who hold to it's truth of course believe what the bible says about itself in II Tim 3:16 that it is "God-breathed".

Yet, for fun, let's just accept their argument for a moment. Let's say we can't trust the bible because it was what men said about God. Okay, then on that basis, we cannot trust ANYTHING said written or claimed about God. We can't believe that he makes no mistakes if Gaga says so, that he is not real as many men say, that He is all loving and not just. We cannot believe anything about Him.

What I'm saying is, that many people will deny the bible as truth but fully and quickly in fact, accept what many OTHER men say about God.

So, IS HE, or ISN'T HE?

DOES HE, or DOESN'T HE?

DO YOU or DON'T YOU?

You know, it's consistent with mankind today. They are walking oxymoron's. Charlie Sheen can rant on the net about how unhealthy all we stupid people are going to our junk foods while he's smoking enough to light up the Great Plains. Everyone chants natural organic living and have plastic surgery to stay so darn "naturally" beautiful. We want the rules to apply when we like them it's just really how it is.

I'm just sayin.......

....and now I shall go make dinner.

A Lent Of The Heart

I'm not sure I'm into this Lent thing as a protestant Christian. Just some of the words in the definitions of the event worry me. Terms like "doing penance", "good works", "sacrifice". Yet, at the same time, the exercise of focusing on what Christ gave up in order to remind us to bear our own crosses is not a bad thing.
So, what I've decided is that like most things, Lent is what you make it. Just like the celebration of many holidays, you could look at the negatives traditionally or the elements that don't line up with your faith and chuck the whole thing. Another point against it is that we should not strive in these ways only once in the year. Still, that itself is not a reason to avoid using the occasion for reflection. We certainly don't chuck Christmas just because we should celebrate Christ's coming in our heart all year around.
Lent from the heart I think can glorify God. An empty work of religious ritual would insult him as it makes the Son's work on the cross worthless. Worse that that, having a spiritual high because we did it or, gave up, or paid a price, are highly insulting to the God who was the only one who could give anything meaningful toward our sinful state.
I mentioned on my Facebook the other day that my friend had some great insight on Lent. Laura felt convicted to say yes to others and no to herself. That is always a good exercise. Furthermore, there is no way she is going to flip it and the day after Lent, go crazy and say "NO!" to everybody all day. This Lent is a Lent from the heart.
Well, the Lord finally convicted me a Lent of the Heart for me this morning. This has been driving me nuts!!! My kids seem to tag teem "Mommy!?" me. It seems that at certain times of the day they spend about half an hour taking turns coming to me. It may be a need, a thought, an outfit needing opinion, an event four months ago that's on their brain, a request to do something later in the day, a question, or the ever so lovely one when I'm questioned out "What's for Dinner?" To which we should all answer "Food!" right!? Well, it's not so bad when you have been asked once but when they all come at different times because they didn't (somehow) hear the answer I gave their sibling, AND they forget what I answered and ask me again in ten minutes because they are hungry.......

Nuttville is around the corner.
It's really me. It's my patience and stamina. I have to mentally make a decision to not let this annoy me. I only have three, and I don't know HOW women with more handle this. It's not their fault so it's not right for me to get upset. Heaven help the child who just has a simple need or question and happens to come to the door when I've reached my limit and gets a gruntal "WHAT!!???" They may even see bared teeth from me, it's possible. I should probably secretly have them video me. I'm sure I would be so insulted by myself I'd be cured for good. LOL.
So, right now, Lent or not really, I'm going to work on this area. Still if it's a Lent of the heart, I'll take the theme to help me focus.
Yet, I'll make it nothing more. I won't add to the work of Christ. I won't deceive myself that I can contribute to the Almighty in any way and I really don't want to live my life on a religious high from my performance. At the same time, I need to remember to be sensitive to the conviction of the Lord in my life and focus on it. This exercise will help me glorify God and not me. That's what I want my Lent to be.

Lent is meant to prepare us to celebrate Easter. I don't see any better way to do that than to reflect Christ's patient selfless character.

On My Bio-Dad, Forgiveness, Grief and Hope

I'll admit, I'm highly emotional this morning. I was not sure I could even post this because I knew I'd feel tears welling when I started. Yep. Still, this is one of those writing for therapy moments. I also hesitate because it was this topic that led some readers to call my mom years ago and leave messages on her phone that upset her a lot. So, if you are reading and you know my mom, don't call her dang-it. She is welcome to read this. This is my life and my story now and she does NOT need to be bugged with it. It's no secret that Mark was not my bio-dad and if you thought it was, you are wrong so forgive my rebellions teen-like moment to warn some to mind their own.

That being said, I also hesitate because I know it's hard for my mom for me to talk about this. She sees this whole topic very differently than I do and I did not live through the pain she did so I don't judge her but I also feel that I had no choice in how my story started and I won't lie about what it is from that point on. I don't believe in hiding things. I've chosen not to hide it from my kids, and I firmly believe that God's sovereign plan in our lives cannot be told without the whole story. There are many who have been through tough stuff in their lives who don't agree with this. I admit, I've never made some of those big painful decisions so I cannot judge them for feeling convicted about that. I don't however. This is my story, not anyone else. You cannot have the same outcome in anyone else's life with situations because the factors vary so much that each set of them will have a different product. I give this topic the freedom it therefore demands.

Also before I go on, I had one Father and that was Mark. He loved me with his life and he was used by God to save us all from a lot of pain. He holds that place in my heart and affections that cannot be replaced, but this is not about replacing and when it's seen that way, it's observed incorrectly. Some of you know my story more than others but I don't have time to go into all of it here today so I apologize if some of this does not make sense.

So, I'm emotional because I had a dream about my bio-dad last night. Honestly, I've had my emotions about him in a box for four years. He got very ill and passed away suddenly while my Father, Mark was passing away with cancer. When I found out he died, I literally had no emotional response. There was nothing left in me. It was not because I held things against him, in fact the opposite was true. I had spent the last few years getting to know him over the phone, patching things up, getting to know each other and having some conversations that are very precious to me now. I had no response because I was completely emotionally drained. My Father Mark was down to skin and bones and our every extra focus in the day was focused on absorbing the time and dealing with the anxiety of mystery knowing the end was near but not sure exactly how near it was. There was the emotional drain of watching a busy healthy man, husband, father and Papa loose all energy, function and vitality.

I wanted to be frustrated that I had no emotion hearing he had died (my bio-dad...I realize this could get confusing). I waited for frustration to flood through me and even that emotional reaction would not hit me. I wanted it to, I wanted to be mad if I could not cry. I wanted SOMETHING to help me grieve. I was completely and utterly numb by then. It took everything in me to adjust to Mark being dead and how it effected those around me. I don't think I even dealt with how it effected me until about two years later. It certainly showed up in my physical health when I started having panic attacks for no reason. My hormones were way of and I had developed an ovarian cyst that had to be removed. That was this time last year exactly. I could have had no way of knowing how what was going on would effect my body. Needless to say, with all this I've not been able to think much or process much about my bio-dad. I've not had the courage to open that emotional box. I've kept it closed out of survival instinct.

The fact is, there is so much good to be thankful for and be reflected upon. Forgiveness was what drove me to contact him in the first place. Now, one can certainly forgive and still keep distance (which is what my parents would have preferred I'd done and they made it very clear they not only did not support my decisions on this but were greatly hurt and insulted by it) but I felt it would only be fear and pride that would motivate me to keep this man in a prison of regret unless I could set him free from it by reaching out. We talked a lot about God, death, life and forgiveness. We talked about small things too and I found that my sense of humor which had always seemed out of place in my family, had come from some biological roots. That really encouraged me because it was like finding a missing part of myself. One of the huge moments was when we talked about his dad and how hard their relationship was. He called me the next day and thanked me because he had been able to pray about it and forgave his dad for the first time. I cannot believe that this was not part of God's plan for us both. As much as it saddened me to go against my parents, Rick and I both were sure we were supposed to do this. We did not have to fear man, we wanted to heal and I was healed too in the process. The plan was to someday meet (since I'd not seen him since I was about 3 years old and did not remember him much at all and in fact, my mom never showed me even a picture of him so I had no idea what he even looked like) once we worked through some things. That was never in God's plan but that is okay with me now. I think it would have been very hard to start that much over again. Out of this time I am now in contact with my Aunt whom I love being in contact with very much and some of her family who have been so friendly to me which is a treasure for me as well.

The emotions brought up by the dream made me realize I may be strong enough to grieve over his loss now. When I say grieve I mean that I have an actual process I've known for years I would need to go through to do this. While he was alive, and in those last few years (I made contact for good about two years before he died which amazes me too that God knew that) I had sent him a list of questions I wanted answered. We both answered these questions for each other. There was so much getting to know you that we had never done. He chose to answer them by recording his answers on a small mini recorder for me. Many times in answering the questions he would go off on rabbit trials of a lot more as well. I have all of that recorded. I've needed to listen to it all again, that is how I need to process this. I tried about two years ago to turn the recording on and I only made it a few seconds before a flood of tears came and a twist in my heart that hurt so bad, I knew I was not ready.

I truly am amazed at God's love in having them pass all within a few months of each other. The reason I say that is because it eased my grief for my bio-dad. It may have emotionally confused me to have my Father here healthy and in my life and try to grieve for someone I hardly knew but yet had a boat-load of emotions about. IT allowed me to fully grieve for the man who had raised me and eased another grief that I could hardly process at all. By being fully focused on another pain, I was able to be guarded from a lot of this other pain. Now, it has settled more in me that he is gone. I don't have to grieve and reflect in a state of shock, I get to do so in a reflective though emotional frame of mind and at a pace I choose and can handle.

I think I'm ready to turn that recorder on. I know I will cry (shoot, I'm crying now) but I'm ready.

You know what gives me the most joy!? Hope. Hope that has come through Christ. My Father Mark and bio-dad are now in heaven. My bio-dad was an infant Christian but a sincerely repentant man before God. He may not have had his theology all together (though we had some good talks about that which helped I think), and he may have had a lot of worldly baggage that fogged up much of his heart still, but I believe that just as the thief on the cross, he had a true moment of repentance and coming before the Savior. He may not be put in charge of much in Heaven, but he will be there. Their emotions about each other were very different here on earth. My bio-dad was very grateful for Mark and told me so many times. I know if he could have met him, he would have told him himself. My dad however, did not trust him at all and did not like talking about him. I'm sure he had a fear that this man would come back into my life and make waves let alone interrupt his relationship with his grand kids. I understand that. Now however, perfected in the presence of Christ our cleansing savior, they worship the Heavenly Father together. There is no more fear in my dad Mark, no more sin in either of them. They have been able to see the full loving plan of God for us in all our lives and they understand now. They hold nothing against each other but both look forward to our appearance someday. I told my dad Mark, when he was in the hospital with sepsis and we thought we were going to loose him that he was who I would run to on that day first. I meant that. I said it in tears and he cried too. I wanted him to know he had that place in my heart. I will be looking for another greeting also and in Christ's perspective perfecting ours, it won't matter to anyone anymore that I do that.

Thank you Lord for that and so many other things. I will cry these tears with gratitude, full and overwhelming.

This is life, this is what it's all about. Don't run, embrace, and grow.

He Does, She Does- Unleashed

I've been learning a lot about myself lately. Do you ever have a time when you are thinking about something and somehow, ever so ironically, multiple things you see or hear in your day are congruent to your ponderings? Well, I do, and it happened to me yesterday.

I was browsing through the "manly" isles in Walmart looking for some tools for pulling the old floor up, and doing some research browsing on tools for sanding and staining or painting the chairs (have not decided yet). I surprised myself that I was in those isles. I surprised myself even more by enjoying it greatly.

When I was little, I was like my fathers son in a lot of ways. My brother would help my dad a lot but he does have cerebral palsy so his skills were limited. My dad would take me all the time to the hardware store with him. I would hope it was free popcorn day but even if it wasn't, my dad would stop for what he liked to call a "beer". This was just soda. Now that I'm older and I get it, I find that quite funny. I just thought he was weird back then. Without meaning to, I became very familiar with PVC pipe, glues, sprinkler heads, bolt sizes, gorilla snot, and drill bits. I learned how to dig trenches, re-wire whole entertainment systems, and drive a tiller. I spent more time doing these things than I ever did in the kitchen learning to make muffins. At the time, I didn't enjoy it much because I wanted to go play but it became part of me.

Like any child, I tried not to have to do these things once I was older and married. I doused myself in the feminine side of me. I enjoyed tea cups, and had babies. I wore long skirts trying to grasp that ever so Gathered femininity (I want to gag right now, it's developed such a reflex over the years). There are parts of me that are legitimately girly, don't get me wrong! I still love tea times (though I keep my china packed away now for when I want it and have replaced it with some Tuscan simple dishes), and I adored having my babies. I still love to wear skirts or dress now and then but I'm much more likely to dress up a pair of jeans and top with some matching earrings the size of Texas.

So, getting back to my day and my thoughts......

I was headed to Lowes to find what Walmart didn't have that I needed. On the way I was listening to a great Family Life Today episode called "A Biblical Response To Homosexuality". It was really good. In it though he talked for a moment about how society makes up these "idiotic" (his choice of words) definitions of what is manly. He uses some quite humorous illustrations regarding hunting to demonstrate his point. However he says, these stupid definitions leave the gentle, tender-hearted male type feel lacking and without a home in his masculine world. I SO appreciated that statement! I think it's true that people doubt their core gender by the insecurities they have regarding their differing personalities.

I think even Christian culture has put a major problem out there with over defining the genders and tying them to biblical truths. Yes, there are a lot of guidelines in the bible for males and females and their roles, but the definitions are left open to personality types and it's like we have added in the adjectives we think are missing in the scriptures! There are men who are tender and gentle, and there are women who are go-getters and fix-it types.

This topic hit me because for years I felt my husband was not being the man he should be. When I compared him to these Christian culture definitions, he fell short. He is not motivated to fix things in the house, he does not fish or hunt, he doesn't not have a clue what is wrong with the car. Now, when he takes the time to learn something, he is great at it, but these things don't come natural to him, nor does the initial passion to conquer them. My dad was the "manly man" in that sense and even he, though he meant well, added to my discontent with my husband. The things that occurred to my dad to do or take care of, did not occur to my husband and I developed a keen sense of discontent that has taken me years to work back from. I'm convinced now, it was a wrong way of thinking.

On that same note, I've been frustrated for years that I AM the one with passion to conquer projects, broken things, and I have a heavier dose of common sense as to how to do it. Some of that comes from hours with my dad doing what he did but a lot of it is personality.

So, after hearing that I went into Lowes and walked around with my McDonalds coffee just enjoying my visit thoroughly. Something about hearing that statement set something free in me that has been frustrated for years. I love projects! I love to build, fix and conquer, and I love looking at tools! I swear, if they had had an aqua tool belt, I'd have bought it. My husband joked the other day that I should have one. I won't tell you the rest of what he said.

Yet, that brings me to my next set of thoughts. My husband likes me this way! He was attracted to my "tom-boyishness" when we were dating. He asked me to wear pants again when I went through my stupid Gathered skirt phase! He needs me to be a go-getter on stuff that does not occur to him! Christians are in danger of creating their own version of Stepford Wives.

I'm not saying there are not biblical gender goals that we have in our marriage. I struggle to not control him, and he struggles to lead. Yet, beyond that, I think we have let people tell us more what our relationship should look like rather than relaxing with who God made us. I'm not butch, and he's not a wussy, nor am I Michelle Duggar and he Davy Crocket.

I just think we spend way too much time in our lives measuring ourselves up to standard made by men and in that we loose the joy of who God made us to be.

Ironically, last night, Rick and I watched this episode of 3rd Rock that talked about what was "manly". The main character Dick has been accused of being "whipped" by his lady and he is grasping to be more manly. Harry is trying to help him. I could not find one that was just the excerpt I wanted, watch up to 2:14 for what I was getting at.

When Harps and Clouds Look Pathetic

I was just thinking about this the other day and wanted to record my thoughts.

Heaven.

I did not understand heaven well until 2006 when I read "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn during the digressing health and resulting death of my dad. I was one of those people who thought it involved singing hymns for eternity. I don't know how I made it through with such a small view of eternity let alone, a small view of God himself. I'm thankful though that I had resolved that if that was what I was going to do for ions, that God would make it my greatest joy and satisfaction. Imagine my joy to learn that he had so much in store for us!

So, heaven. What will we do? Randy talks about how we will work in heaven and when I read that chapter title I thought "what!?". Work was not my idea of eternal bliss either. Then, I read the chapter. This is not from it, I read it years ago, I just mention it because it's related and produced from a better understanding developed from reading it.

Work.

Think of jobs.

Think of jobs that WON'T be necessary on the New Earth.

Police Men, Soldier, Lawyer, Doctor, Nurse, Detective, Bodyguard, Nutritionist, Health Instructor, Trainer, Inspector, Garbage Man, Grocer, Salesman, Tax man, Accountants, Maid, Pharmacist, Physical Therapist, Plastic Surgeon, Crisis Counselors, Social workers, Physiologist, and on and on. In fact, I'd love to hear some others think of that we won't have.

SO, if you think of it what does that leave you? See, all these jobs give us a sense of purpose and justice here because we are working to fix something. We are working to guide and navigate world under the influence of sin. People break the law, they fight over lands and government policies, they get sick, they need protection, they don't eat right, they get fat and diabetic, they can't figure out who did them wrong, they must purchase substance, they owe each other money, they are filthy, their bodies deteriorate and don't work right, they fight and the family is torn, relationships are torn, they can't have peace of mind, and this list goes on and on as well.

If you remove sin, you remove a lot of what is purposeful now but hard as well. So, I ask again what are you left with? Thinking about that made me so happy!

Artist, Foodies, builders, gardeners, leaders, crafters, sculptors, designers, decorators, explorers, teachers, researchers, writers, singers, jewelers, florist, gleaners, and on and on.

How do those occupations make you feel when you read them? For, me, it's thrilling. It's not work, it's each man doing what he loves for the common good of all without obligation.

• The artist will reflect the perfect beauty of the new creation for the joy of all.
• The cooks with delight in preparing gorgeous, healthy and the most flavorful foods ever eaten and completely good for the body. Their resources will be endless.
• The gardeners will work with good soil, weedless, smelling wonderful and producing perfectly.
• The leaders will guide groups of people for the Glory of God and with perfect unity w/o the element of human selfishness.
• The crafters will create for the joy of all, along with the sculptors.
• Decorators will make beautiful life ever more beautiful, again, with endless resources managed perfectly.
• The teachers will teach with sheer joy with knowledge that is exciting to share,and their students will be eager learners, ready to hear.
• The researchers will have the exciting job of eternity of learning, this would include scientist (no evolutionist here) discovering the universe without end. The joy of discovery will be ongoing excitement! Some will research the history of all time before, the mystery solvers!
• The writers will tell of the joy of God's world as it should be, they will have material forever that is inspiring and stimulating.
• The singers, OH, THE SINGERS! First of all, I think we will all be singers but there will be those who joy in it more than others. They will ASTOUND US ALL with the praises of God!!! They will be givers of joy to all make our souls almost burst!
• The jewelers. Oh, man, they will have a blast! The bible talks about the precious metals and gems in heaven. They will be the purist form of everything. There will be no end to their supply. The jewelers will create for the joy of sharing God's beauty, not for profit or vanity.
• The florist will have flowers we cannot imagine now. They will have them in plenty, huge and vibrant. Every dwelling could be filled with as many as they can handle. Who knows but that the flowers won't wither and fade as they do here!!??
• The gleaners will have that excitement that children have walking through an orchard longing to take the product of nature and share it. The produce of the new earth will make us drool I'm certain. Gathering it in baskets and thanking our God for his provision will be an endless joy to us.

Now, here is the kicker....

We all can do any of these if we wish! We can learn in all avenues, we can help in all ways and we will LOVE IT. Even the builders will have such great joy in making dwellings for others. Though I do think God has made us all with artistic bents that will have full throttle in heaven and we will tend to lean toward those. Heaven and the New Earth will be joyful work forever with no potholes of sin along the way.

I cannot stop feeling excited about this! I look so forward to it.

On top of that, God is in our midst! He is there to guide and be our eternal joy and pleasure. No one will be seeking gain, fighting over profit, hording or stealing.

We will be able to set out on any day and explore w/o fear of obstacle. Roaming is in our nature isn't it? Children long to roam, or I know I did. They long to glean from the land as they go, to pick the flowers, to build the forts, to paint the scenes, to make the necklaces from the shells, and on and on. Those desires are built in us for a reason!

People, it will be lovely, beyond lovely. It will be what we really have always wanted in our souls.

I just think it's fun to think about, AND...here is the kicker......

Nothing we can conjure up is NEAR what it will really be!

So, drop your droopy view of heaven and get the real upgrade. There is so much more than we really understand.

Life Lessons In Laundry?

I was busy this evening cleaning out the Guinea Pig cage for Caedmon since it had to be moved from the dinning room to his room. While I was busy with this, Rick was helping him load his clothes in the washer. The conversation went something like this:

Rick "okay, you need to separate the whites from the darks."

Caedmon "okay"

Rick "no, that is dark"

Caedmon "but it has white on it and you said separate whites and darks"

Rick "that is just a tiny bit of white on something dark, so it's dark"

Caedmon "okay"

Rick "No, that is white"

Caedmon "but you said....you are confusing me!"

Rick " I know, I will teach you and show you what to put in the dark load, so just listen to me"

I was smiling to myself .

Those words sounded familiar from somewhere, and then it hit me. They sounded like God.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you." Psalm 32:8

And in Caedomn's words I heard myself. "You are confusing me Lord!" "I don't get it, what do you want me to do?" "I do this and it's wrong, I do this and it's not quite right. I want to get it right but I'm lost".

It reminded me how patient the Heavenly Father is with me. To him it's so simple, it's so whites or darks and he understands the wisdom of the common sense exceptions. I'm still trying to figure it out. He says to stop trying and let him teach me, while he shows me.

It also spoke to me of how it's hard to know how light or dark something is sometimes in life. Again, he says to let Him teach us.

I don't know, I just thought it was cool and I thought it was precious to hear an eternal conversation parallel over the loading of the laundry.

These are the moments I treasure.

My First Day Of The Year

We stayed up till 2011 rolled in. It was simple and quiet. Emma didn't make it and asked to go to bed around 11pm. The guinea pigs were squeaking and seemed to know there was a reason to be up late too. I'm sure their life in the new year is going to be much better from the months they spent in a small dog cage on a front porch. They are seeming so happy. Oreo in particular talks to us when we come in the door or get up in the morning, and even randomly through the day when she wants attention. They are so funny too because they want to be socialized but their instinct is still to run and hide when you go to get them. That must be confusing if you were a guinea pig.
Victoria and Caedmon traded off turns on the Wii playing their new Lego Harry Potter and Star Wars games, while Rick and I watched a movie and a few episodes of "The Big Bang Theory". When Midnight came around the Hispanic population set off their bombs fireworks. They really like to blow things up celebrate. Then, the mission bells starting ringing and I was imagining happy giddy monks in their brown robs (yes, they really do look like Friar Tuck) flying up and down with the bell ropes.

In many ways the new year seemed uneventful to me. I'm not sorry about that. The fact is, life will go on in it's normalcy whether it's Dec 31st or Jan 1st. I will still have a messy house that I struggle to keep up on. I will still need to workout all year to stay healthy. I will still need to cook to save money. I will still work at being loving to my husband and children (especially more now that I have a teenager). Life is not really exceptional because it's New Years, or I should say, I won't get any superpowers injected into me if I conjure up some grand emotions about it. Still, 2010 was a year of a lot of learning for me and I'm glad of it. I liked what John Piper said on his Facebook this morning:

"God promises new troubles (Mat. 6:34), new mercies (Lam 3:23), and new hope (2 Cor 4:16) for every day this year."

So, although there are a lot of things I wish to implement in the new year, I'm realizing that it's going to take daily renewal and resolve rather than a big rush from a clean slate. Slates are easily dirtied with use.

So, today, it's raining, more Wii games being played, and Rick and Caedmon are building Lego's. I'm showered and put on some more PJ's and clean socks, grabbed a coffee and had a banana muffin with walnuts and white chocolate chips. The kids have been laughing and bickering, doing their chores and leaving dishes around. The pets have been playing and making their own messes. Rick and I have loaded dishes and wiped counters. I've prettied up the kitchen a bit and removed some clutter. I'm about to put soups on to warm from last night and am hoping to FINALLY play some Mario as the kids have promised me I finally get a turn.

Life is not magical today, it's normal and I am blessed. God is good in rain and shine, trial and thrill, stress and satisfaction.

This is life...

This is 2011...

Bring it on.

A Sobering Experience

I don't believe dreams tell the future. I also don't believe the world will end in 2012 because of man's calculations, but I did have something strange happen to me.

About six years ago when we lived at our previous house I had an intense dream. I attested it to the fact that I was reading the "Left Behind" book series at the time. I was at Von's in A-town in the parking lot. I had ran for a few things by myself which I noticed as an oddity since I homeschooled at the time and Caedmon was only one. As I walked to my car the world seemed to pause and all of a sudden I was being propelled up into the sky. Crazy right? I felt the intense resistance of gravity on my whole body. I knew I was being raptured and my thought was worry that I was away from my family. I remember this turning to trust and then thoughts of how each of us in the end is intimately responsible to respond to God before the end. I knew I had. All this happened in less than seconds in my mind. Adrenaline pulsed through me and it was so real. Then, I woke up in my bed next to Rick. I remember being sad it had not really happened! That's how real it was, I was ready and I knew where I was going!

It was a dream that stayed with me ever since. Intense, so real and so attesting to the true identity of my soul, but it never happened again. Until this week.

Just a few nights ago I was dreaming that I was crossing the intersection under the 101 at the Morro Exit. Guess where I was headed? I was walking toward the same Vons! Now, isn't that strange. This time it was more slow motion. As I stepped to put my foot out in the cross walk to cross the main street there, the world around me dimmed like someone turned down the lights. The Cars were frozen and lifeless. The people walking and crossing on the other side of the intersection were dim and frozen with their feet stepped out forward.

There were a few split seconds in this part where honestly, I was not sure what was going on. And then it happened again, my body was being propelled up into the sky. Again, the intense pull against gravity, the adrenaline rush. As I went upward I felt like a child praying before I sleep (the Lord my soul to keep sort of feeling) and I said "Lord, forgive me my sins". Which is interesting to me that my assurance was different this time. I felt I'd grown weary recently, though not changing in faith, I was more aware of how real my undeserving soul was.

I woke up at the same place and was again surprised it was not real.

I knew right away there was significance that I had this dream twice even if it was six years ago. Like I said, I don't really believe much in dreams, but here is the sceptic saying "hmmmm".

Or, I feel like I'm in Bones and I'm Brennan saying "What does it mean?"

Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left.
Matt 24:20

That Naughty Song Your Singing

This post is not a soap box or really here to say anything....it's just random mental musing. Even I don't have much of a conclusion myself.

Music is a hot topic with me. I love music and Rick and I both are pretty laid back about it unless it's explicitly s*xual. If it makes me uncomfortable, I just use that as a guide. I agree with my kids though, it's a bummer when some of these songs are dirty because their musical quality is fun. I think my most recent frustration was one or two from Ke$ha. A lot of her stuff is dirty muck wrapped in a fun package.
Yet this Christmas I was thinking about the irony of it. So many songs we are comfortable with and use to have some really naughty meanings. See, if one song about s*x is not allowed, then you should feel just as bad singing that oldie about it too! Yet we don't, really, we don't.

The song that got me realizing this was the famous Christmas song "It's Cold Outside". I love that song and love to sing it at Christmas, don't' you! Of course you do. Yet, here are the lyrics:

I really can't stay
(but baby it's cold outside)
I've got to go away
(but baby it's cold outside)
This evening has been
(been hoping that you'd drop in)
So very nice
(i'll hold your hands, they're just like ice)
My mother will start worry
(beautiful whats your hurry)
My father will be pacing the floor
(listen to the fireplace roar)
So really i'd better scurry
(beautiful please don't hurry)
but maybe just a half a drink more
(put some records on while i pour)
the neighbors might faint
(baby it's bad out there)
say what's in this drink
(no cabs to be had out there)
i wish i knew how
(your eyes are like starlight now)
to break this spell
(i'll take your hat, your hair looks swell)
i ought to say "no, no, no sir"
(mind if i move in closer)
at least i'm gonna say that i tried
(what's the sense in hurtin' my pride)
i really can't stay
(oh baby don't hold out)

both:baby it's cold out side

i simply must go
(but baby it's cold outside)
the answer is no
(but baby it's cold outside)
your welcome has been
(how lucky that you dropped in)
so nice and warm
(look out the window at that storm)
my sister will be suspicious
(gosh your lips look delicious)
my brother will be there at the door
(waves upon the tropical shore)
my maiden aunts mind is vicious
(gosh your lips are delicious)
but maybe just a cigarette more
(never such a blizzard before)
i've gotta get home
(but baby you'd freeze out there)
say lend me a coat
(it's up to your knees out there)
you've really been grand
(i thrill when you touch my hand)
but don't you see?
(how can you do this thing to me?)
there's bound to be talk tomorrow
(think of my lifelong sorrow)
at least there will be plenty implied
(if you got pneumonia and died)
i really can't stay
(get over that old out)

It's really a song about a guy who is trying to lure a woman to stay and mess around with him and in order to do that he's encouraging her to drink despite her protest to do the right thing and go home. He's really a selfish creep with one thing on his mind. Yeah, that's what the song is really about. Yet will I be glad to hear it come back on every year and love the scene from "Elf" every time? Yep.
Should I though?
I don't know.

I find it interesting that we draw lines in some places that we don't in others when it comes to propriety, proper or un, good or bad. We really all just define our own. Oldies like "Wake Up Little Suzie" or "My Baby Does the Hanky Panky" are innocent traditionally but we tap our mental little "no-no" finger at Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, or Madonna. No one really cringes anymore when they hear Ricky Nelson sing about all his relationships with women all over the world in "Travilin' Man" or criticize the fact that he's a player! Do I love that song too? Yep.
So, you can see why I can't seem to find a really good reason to be legalistically strict about some modern stuff my kids like. Yes, I do have lines but they are drawn more by individual conviction than black and white across the board reason. For, if I draw that line and teach them that, I'll honestly have to take "It's Cold Outside" off my allowed list!

All this really started when Emma really started liking Katy Perry's song "TGIF". At first I was against it but as I thought about it I decided it was better to talk to them about the song (which actually has more danger in it's reference to teenage drinking than s*x) rather than shun it. Would I actually want my kids to "dance on table tops and take too many shots"? No. I also would not want them doing the Hanky Panky in their car, playing women all over the world, or trying to get someone drunk to sleep with them, all of which are covered in socially acceptable songs.

So, what is it? Does music somehow give us the licence, rather like fiction or pretend play, to connect with things we would never say or do? When I say pretend play I mean pointing a play gun at our buddy when playing cowboys and Indians exclaiming "bam, your dead!". Of course in reality I'd never want him to really act that out.

I don't know. For now, I trust my gut where the lines are, but it's really just an interesting thing to think about.
The only thing I DO KNOW:
I want to think it through and make sure the lines I draw with my kids make sense and are not just legalistically founded.

In the mean time, here's just a fun look at innocent Ricky. Just his "Leave it to Beaver" look makes you feel your more conservative for enjoying his music! Nope......he's a PLAYYYYAAA!!! :)

My Dragon Scales

We recently watched "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of The Dawn Treader" and although I loved it, it for sure did not stick to the book. Rick was reading a great deal of it last night to Caed and he was commenting on how "hey, that's not what happened in the movie!". Well kido, sorry to burst your bubble but this is how that whole thing goes. Rick was reading to him the whole grueling process Eustace goes through to return to a human. How he is unable to do it himself so Aslan has to do it for him and it hurts badly.

It begs the question "what is your scaly issue lately?" LOL!

Mine has been perspective and attitude. I've really been struggling with a stagnate emotional response to God the past few months. Nothing in my core faith has changed but I've felt drained from some intense trials over the last five years and just plain numb I think. When I'm not numb I'm overwhelmed with how to respond to tiny trials every day.

I'll skip through a lot of this to the point.

God has convicted me this week that He wants me to really understand his will of thanks for me. "In all things" is not a "if you can" or "try your bestest" statement. It's a command and of course, like Eustace, I cannot obey it. Christ has to lend his aid and it's painful, but I'm looking forward to some scales falling off.

It's so cliche to say "be thankful!" Yet, this command really means so much more! It means when my tween (for 24 more hours anyway! Yikes!) is ranting away at me I need to respond with thanks for God challenging me to cling to Him, respond in Him, fail and learn through Him, and be sanctified by Him.

When my house depresses me and I wish it looked more like Mrs. Soinso's does, I need to respond in thanks at what he has blessed me with and demonstrate that by taking decent care of all I have as well as stewarding it well.

When my van starts to act like it's going to die again (this literally happened to me last night in a very busy intersection, in Christmas traffic with a child, my friend, and two guinea pigs in with me) I want to learn to truly be thankful that (1) He is going to care for me and provide my need, and (2) He is giving me a trial that will perfect my faith.

These things I know, but I don't work at them like an exercise. Many spiritual exercises I run from because they are based in legalism which is of man. This however, is point blank scripture. I'm thankful God brought this verse to mind for me a week ago.

I think it will be my heart burden in the coming year.